Return of the Revenge of the Son of the City of Steel

( Toronto: Laserbeak flies around the downtown area for a bit. Coming to a glass-housed walkway, he fires at it, causing the doors to open. Laserbeak follows the Path [an underground network of tunnels and walkways connecting various parts of downtown] until he comes to some big, purple doors. He shoots these, they open, and he flies into an underground Decepticon base, then folds up and lands in Soundwave’s chest. )

Soundwave: Laserbeak reports no Autobots in vicinity.

Megatron: Excellent. Our scheme continues as planned.

Starscream: This is stupid.

Megatron: You’re such a whiner. All we’re doing is stealing Earth buildings and reworking them so they look vaguely Cybertronian. What could possibly go wrong?

Starscream: Whenever you say that, my surge-protectors activate. Are you sure the Insecticons haven’t tagged you with a cerebro-shell, Megatron? Remember that whole spaghetti fiasco last week?.. Erk!

( Megatron picks up Starscream by his neck. )

Megatron: I told you never to mention that!

( Drops him. )

Relax. The Autobots don’t know we’re here. The CN Tower might be the world’s tallest free-standing structure, but the Autobots are in America and Americans care nothing about Canada. They’ll never notice we’re taken over Toronto until… well, until they pass through on their way to somewhere else.

Starscream (muttering): Overcompensation …

( Scavenger [vehicle-mode] gets on the platform, which raises. )

Hook: I finished the hard part, Scavenger. All you have to do is whack the ceiling with your tail and hope the building doesn’t fall on you.

Scrapper: ‘Hard part’? You spent this entire job drinking coffee and complaining about how hard you work!

Hook: I’ve been supervising.

( Scavenger whacks the ceiling with his shovel a few times, dislodging debris. He shifts back to robot-mode and jumps down to help Bonecrusher scoop up the rubble. They fill up Longhaul’s berth. )

Bonecrusher: Remove the debris, Longhaul.

Longhaul: Sure. Just because I’m the dump truck. Want me ta stick my head in a bucket of water while I’m at it?

Bonecrusher: If it makes you happy.

Longhaul: Stereotypes are the language of hate, ya know.

( He carts the rubble away, anyway. )

Megatron: Finish the job, Mixmaster!

( Mixmaster drives up. )

Mixmaster: Right-right-right, Mega-mega-mega-mega-mega …

( Scrapper kicks him. )

… -tron.

( Sprays the underside of the CN Tower with some liquid, and the building slides down and lands on the platform, which lowers. )

( Above ground: The CN Tower starts sinking. Some Human Bystander points at it. )

Some Human Bystander: The CN Tower is sinking!

( Autobot Base: Prime, Ironhide, Ratchet, Bluestreak, Bumblebee, Spike, and Sparkplug are watching the news. )

Prime: The CN Tower has been stolen.

Bluestreak: The what?

Prime: CN Tower - Earth’s tallest free-standing structure. It’s in Toronto, Canada. Megatron probably stole it, so we have to go get it back.

Ironhide: Do we have to? My snow-tires are uncomfortable.

Prime: It’s summer, you … Oh, forget it. You’re coming whether you like it or not.

Transform and roll out! We’ll meet with the others in the Don Valley.

Bumblebee: But the Don Valley is huge …

Prime: So’s your mom. Get going.

( Lake Ontario: Wheeljack, Mirage, Hound, Sideswipe, and Sunstreaker are driving across the lake. Laserbeak flies overhead. )

Sideswipe: Look! It’s that bubblepantsicon Laserbeak!

Sunstreaker: What?

Sideswipe: Like to see you come up with a dumber insult.

Sunstreaker: It’s that astroloafcon Laserbeak!

( The underground base: Laserbeak flies in and squawks. )

Megatron: What’s that, Laserbeak? You say Reflector fell down the well?

Laserbeak: Squwak!

Megatron: And that the Autobots have arrived? Ehn, Reflector never does anything anyway. Soundwave, go chase the Autobots. Scavenger! Longhaul! Come with me. I have need of your special talents.

Longhaul (to Scavenger): Which talents?

Scavenger: I can play the spoons.

( The Don Valley: The Autobots roll in. Assorted Decepticons step out from behind assorted trees. )

Rumble: Don’t you …

Frenzy: … tourists read …

Rumble: … signs? It says …

Frenzy: … ‘No vehicles …

Rumble: … on the grass.’

Soundwave: Stop that. That’s not cute.

Rumble: Sure,..

Frenzy: … boss.

( Soundwave glares at his cassettes, who proceed to do their earthquake thing. Fight commences. )

( Under the valley … )

Scavenger: Optimus Prime is right above us. Good thing he’s not actually fighting.

( Scavenger whacks the ceiling with his shovel. Prime falls through the ground, into Longhaul’s berth. Megatron waves a device over Prime. )

Megatron: There. I’ve scrambled your circuits by running a large magnet over them.

Mixmaster: I would have poured pudding into his relays.

Scavenger: Well, now that we have him, what do we do with him?

Bonecrusher: We could have Hook give him the World’s Most Accurate Wedgie.

Hook: Absolutely not.

Scavenger: Besides, he isn’t wearing pants.

( Ignoring the Constructicons, Megatron flies up out of the hole and addresses the Autobots. )

Megatron: Optimus Prime and this city belong to me!

Mirage: Keep ‘em!

( The other Autobots shush Mirage. )

Megatron: Ahem. If you ever wish to see your beloved leader alive, you’ll leave now!

( The Autobots go into a quick huddle, and finally leave. Megatron goes back down into the base. )

Scrapper, is it ready?

Scrapper: I have a budget of zero, you borrowed my workforce to capture Optimus Prime, and you gave me ten minutes to completely reconfigure the world’s tallest free-standing structure.

( He hits a button. The CN Tower rises back to its usual place aboveground, covered in blue-purple metal, but still recognisable. )

I even had time to go pick up doughnuts.

( On a road out of the city: )

Hound: Toronto is being evacuated by Autobots and humans alike.

Spike: I’ve got an idea!

Bumblebee: You want to go back and rescue Optimus Prime, right?

Spike: Well… I am kind of surprised that the rest of you didn’t think of that. I mean, I’m only the human and you guys are the highly-advanced robots from …

( Realises the silence has gone on a bit long. )

Waitaminute … You guys didn’t intend on rescuing him at all!

Mirage: He is rather boring.

Hound: Hmm, I don’t know, guys. Who would lead us if not Optimus Prime?

Mirage: Skyfire’s tech-specs say he’s a rank ten.

Bumblebee: Pfft - Skyfire Prime. As if. Besides, wasn’t that Jetfire?

Mirage: I think Ironhide is our second-in-command.

Spike: I thought Prowl was.

Hound: Maybe we should rescue Optimus. Grimlock might take over in the confusion.

( The Autobots turn and head back into the city. )

( Underground base: Prime is still sprawled in Longhaul’s berth, with Megatron looking down. )

Longhaul: Can you guys just decide? I got better things ta do today than have Optimus Prime sit in me… Well, okay, I don’t, but still …

Megatron: Hmm. Even immobile he worries me. Hook, dismember him.

Hook: Hum, hum… Measure with callipers, mark with chalk … CUT WITH CHAINSAW!

( Pulls a chainsaw out of subspace. The camera lingers on it a moment. )

Scrapper: I told him to cut back on the caffeine.

( When we next see Prime, he’s in several pieces. )

Megatron: How’s it feel to be a jigsaw puzzle, Prime?

( Megatron twitches the two lead wires together. )

Prime: It’s only a flesh wound.

Megatron: Only a flesh wound? You’re a talking head!

Prime: I’m also an Autobot. We don’t lose.

( Megatron releases the wires. )

Megatron: Hmph. Even as a talking head you’re annoying. Maybe a term as my personal paperweight will wipe that grin off your … erm … Anyway, you Constructicons can do what you like with the rest of the pieces.

( Megatron stalks off. The Constructicons look at one another. )

Scrapper: Suggestions?

Mixmaster: He’d make a lovely go-kart.

( In Lake Ontario: Spike is sort of floating, then lifts out of the water and we find that he’s sitting on Bumblebee’s head. The Autobots duck into a sewer. )

Mirage: I’ll scout on ahead.

( Mirage goes invisible. )

Hound: Lucky for us my sensors can track Mr Invisible, or he might just sneak out on us.

( Mirage reappears, a few steps back the way they came. )

Mirage: You’re no fun.

( In a sewer for some reason: )

Scrapper: I think we’ve used Optimus Prime’s remnants most creatively.

Longhaul: We used his legs to make a coffee table.

Scrapper: Be quiet! Anyway, I just figured out where this part will … ah … um …

Hook: … Make the biggest mess?

Scrapper: Exactly what I meant, Scavenger.

Hook: I’m Hook.

Scrapper: Erm … Let’s just get back to base.

( They transform and head back to the Path. )

( Back to the Autobots: )

Hound: That’s strange. At first my sensors detected Optimus Prime ahead of us, but now he’s behind us.

( The Pidgeoncon stomps into view. )

Bumblebee: It’s a giant robot pigeon!

Spike: A giant robot pigeon made of red, blue, and white metal with an Autobot insignia emblazoned on its wing! Oh, well.

Mirage: And this is threatening how?

Bumblebee: You know what pigeons do to cars …

( The Autobots run away, Pigeoncon in pursuit. )

Bumblebee: Spike! How do humans deal with pigeons?

Spike: I find blasting them with a Super-Soaker usually works.

Mirage: So what we need is a really big Super-Soaker!

Hound: We’re kind of standing in water, you realise …

( The Autobots splash water at the Pigeoncon, which stomps away. )

( Out in the city: Starscream stands on a reworked building, admiring the Decepticons’ handiwork. )

Starscream: This plan is really stupid, but at least the city’s looking better.

( Thundercracker lands beside him. )

Thundercracker: That big round building we just converted is some sort of stadium. Heh, Blitzwing will love that.

Starscream: Who?

Thundercracker: Oh, slag, he hasn’t appeared yet, has he?

( Street-level, Skywarp stuffs a car into Mixmaster’s mixing drum. )

Skywarp: Okay, Mixmaster, let’s see what you can do with this.

Mixmaster: Heh heh heh… anything I want to.

( The drum spins, then spits out a frilly teapot cozy. )

Skywarp: How did you manage the taffeta ribbon?

Mixmaster: Trade secret. Now for the Chevy …

( The underground base: The Autobots break in. )

Hound: According to my sensors, Optimus Prime should be right over … Uh-oh.

( Mirage picks up Prime’s head, and twitches two wires together. )

Mirage: Are you okay, Optimus?

Prime: Just peachy, except that I seem to be missing the rest of my body. The first person to do ‘Hamlet’ will be put on Dinobot sponge-bath duty.

Bumblebee: Do you know where the rest of your body is?

Prime: I don’t even know where my trailer goes when I’m in robot-mode, but I suppose I can try to pull some type of plot contrivance.

( Prime does the glowing-ring thing, and his legs come flying in. )

Astounding. The power from the magnet Megatron used to paralyse my body must have all gotten stored in my head somehow.

Mirage: It’s too early in the morning for pseudo-science.

Hound: Well, how do we find the rest of his body? Can you do your magnet-trick again?

Prime: Maybe later, but I can sense my body somewhere above street-level, in the air …

Bumblebee & Spike: The Pigeoncon!

Hound: How did you know what to call it?

Bumblebee: We checked the narration. Come on; we’ve got to catch it!

( Aboveground: The Autobots wrestle with the Pigeoncon. )

Bumblebee: How did we catch this thing?

Hound: Shh! Explanations would take too long! Do you want this to become a two-parter?

Mirage: Are you kidding? Oof! Hey, Prime, this dumb bird is too tough for the three of us to handle! Could you pull another contrivance?

Prime: Sure, make the talking head do all the work.

( Later: Prime has been repaired, though he’s still missing his right arm. )

Prime: Lucky that despite Hook’s uncharacteristic untidiness, I still have all my important internal components.

Ratchet: And lucky that I always carry a supply of duct-tape.

Prime: Now to find my other arm.

( The Autobots run to the CN Tower, where they meet up with the rest of the crew. Looking up, they realise that Prime’s Arm is attached to the top of the CN Tower. Prime’s Arm starts to throw pies. )

Autobots: RUN AWAY!

Sideswipe: Hang on … It’s throwing pies. This is not scary.

Prime: Custard in your relays is no laughing matter, Sideswipe.

( Hound and Bluestreak drive off, but fall through the street. )

Bluestreak: @#$% potholes.

( Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Bumblebee, and Spike drive off down another street. Suddenly… )

Sideswipe: Look out! Deceptistreetcars!

( The Deceptistreetcars fire lasers at the Autobots, who flee. Down the road, Bonecrusher, Longhaul, and Scavenger are waiting. )

Bonecrusher: Here they come! Poke them with the soft pillows!

( The Constructicons proceed to do just that, while the Deceptistreetcars keep shooting lasers and whatnot. )

Bumblebee: I sure could do with a plot contrivance right about now …

( Fortunately, down the road, Prime notices the fight. )

Prime: I may only have one arm, but I can still transform and … Waitaminute. These things are streetcars. They’re stuck on their tracks.

( Walks up beside one and pushes it over. )

If this is Constructicon handiwork, it must be Friday afternoon.

( Prime catches up to Ironhide and Ratchet at the bottom of the CN Tower. Ironhide fires off a grappling hook, and the three Autobots start to climb the side of the Tower. )

( The Decepticon control centre: Megatron and Soundwave check the monitors and see the Autobots climbing the Tower. )

Megatron: Soundwave! Fire!

Soundwave: Unable. Launcher is out of ammunition.


( The kitchen: Rumble and Frenzy are a mess, tossing pies and pie ingredients at each other. )

Rumble: I’m the ‘Iron Chef’!

Frenzy: I’m the ‘Iron Chef’! Me! Meeeeeeee!

( The control room: )

Soundwave: Um …

Megatron: Never mind. I have other resources! STARSCREAM! GET ME AN AIR-STRIKE!

( Outside: Skywarp and Mixmaster are still working. There is a pile of miscellaneous items sitting next to Mixmaster. )

Skywarp: Bet you can’t do plaid.

Mixmaster: Watch me. Hand me that kitten …

Starscream (via Skywarp’s radio): Skywarp! We finally get an action scene! Get up here!

Skywarp: Duty calls.

( Waves, shifts, and flies off. Mixmaster also transforms and sits down grumpily. The Kitten jumps up and sits on his knee. )

Kitten: Mew?

Mixmaster: Same to you, buster.

( In the air: Starscream, Skywarp, and Thundercracker fly towards the CN Tower, and open fire on Prime, Ironhide, and Ratchet. )

Ratchet: They can’t miss from this range!

Ironhide: Are you kidding? Decepticons always miss.

( Sure enough, none of the Seekers’ shots hit, and they crash into the CN Tower and out the other side. )

Thundercracker: It’s after the second commercial break, isn’t it?

Skywarp: Ow … feels like it. Come on, let’s retreat now and avoid the rush. I saw a karaoke bar a few blocks from here.

Starscream: Cowards! I’ll … Oh, forget it.

( The Seekers fly off. )

( The control room: )

Megatron: Stupid jets. No matter! I have other resources! SEND THE CONSTRUCTICONS!

( The Constructicons are lounging around, all holding coffee mugs. )

Scrapper: We’re on break!

Scavenger: I don’t know why I have this. It’s not like I have a mouth.

Megatron: Stupid union rules! I have other resources! SEND THE TRANSITICONS!

( Suddenly, Bumblebee and Spike run in from the elevator. )

Bumblebee: Yo, Megs, you’re an astroloafcon!

Megatron: Oh, go away.

( Megatron ignores them. Bumblebee looks put-out, but rallies. )

Bumblebee: You’re a turbomonkeycon, and so’s your mother!

( Megatron continues chatting to Soundwave. Bumblebee gives up, turns, and shoots the console himself. He and Spike run away. )

Megatron: I hate cute sidekicks. Soundwave! Send Laserbeak and Buzzsaw after those two sorry excuses for comedy relief! Then I’ll destroy the rest of the Autobots! Then I, Megatron, will be the Master of the Universe! Ah-HAHAHAHAHA!

( Topside: The Transiticons transform and merge into Subterraneous. They immediately pick Prime off the side of the CN Tower, and start climbing. )

Subterraneous: Subterraneous wants vengeance! Subterraneous wants Optimus Prime! Subterraneous wants …

Prime: It’s always about you, isn’t it?

Subterraneous: Subterraneous wants hostage to be less sarcastic!

( Wheeljack is standing on the ground. Hound runs up to him. )

Hound: What’s going on?

Wheeljack: Megatron’s new gestalt - Subterraneous. He just appeared out of nowhere, like most of the Season Two characters. He’s made of three subway cars.

Hound: That is so ‘RiD’.

Wheeljack: Oh, be quiet; I have to save Optimus. Lessee … I’m sure I’ve seen this in a movie …

Hound: Which one?

Wheeljack: Ah, who knows? They’re all filmed in Toronto, anyway. It’s cheaper than filming in an American city … Dangit, why isn’t my Helicopter Control Device working?

Hound: Because there’s only one helicopter in Toronto, and it’s in for repairs.

Wheejack: Blasted Canadians.

( Inside the CN Tower: Ironhide and Ratchet hear Megatron on the floor above them. Ironhide shoots the floor out from under Megatron. Megatron lands on Ratchet. )

Ratchet: Thanks a lot.

( Megatron glares at the Autobots and flies back up to the control room. )

( On the side of the Tower: )

Subterraneous: Subterraneous says, “Prepare for destruction!”

Prime (to himself): Hmm … He’s bigger than me, stronger than me, but he’s also terminally stupid. If I can use it against him …

( Louder: ) Hey, look over there!

( Subterraneous turns to look, and is slapped by Prime’s Arm. Startled, the gestalt falls. Prime is caught by Ironhide, while Subterraneous makes a big crater in the ground. The Autobots leave the CN Tower. The Transiticons fly out of the crater. Megatron leans out of the window and shouts at them. )

Megatron: Get back here! Seeing as how you’re Decepticons and all, you belong to me!

Transiticon #1: We serve a greater evil than you, Megatron - the Toronto Transit Commission.

Transiticon #2: Heh heh … Maybe with us on their side, they’ll finally be able to get some funding from the government.

( The Transiticons fly away. )

Megatron: Traitors! I’ll … now what? Constructicons, where are you going?

Scrapper: Drinks are on Skywarp. See ya.

( The Constructicons fly away. )

Megatron: They’re retreating for silly reasons. This must be the end of the episode. Oh, well. Come on, Soundwave … Soundwave?

( The kitchen: Soundwave, with a pie stuck to his chest, glares down at Rumble and Frenzy. The cassettes point at one another. )

Frenzy & Rumble: He did it.

( Later: the Autobots are still hanging around. )

Prime: Good old Toronto … the same as it always was.

Ironhide: Except that half ‘a downtown’s been covered with purple metal.

Prime: You stepped on my pontificating.

Ironhide: Sorry, Chief. Go on.

Prime: No, no, the moment is ruined. Let’s transform and roll out.

( They do. As they drive towards the camera, we notice Bumblebee has a bumper sticker: ‘Honk If You Love Cookies.’ )

The End.

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